Dealing with Depression When Traveling.
Traveling can sometimes be a lonely path. Sometimes the sheer exuberance of ticking things off your bucket list can wane when negativity from friends and family enter.
What are you doing with your life? Aren’t you going to settle down? Why did you break up with me?
This past weekend proved to be difficult culmination of lows. An ex-boyfriend made me feel like shit. There is no other way to describe it. I had moved on with my life in leaps and bounds and he hadn’t. But somehow, his non-progress was my fault. So I was taken unwittingly into a journey into the past that did not serve me.
Was there anything I could have done differently? Could I have saved the relationship? Doubt entered.
The funny thing about doubt is that no matter how small the amount, it can be deadly, like cyanide. It corrodes your self- confidence and makes you second guess everything. You play scenarios in your head over and over and again to see if you could have made a small adjustment. Once doubt enters, its poisonous reach knows no bounds. It reaches into your psyche and steals your well- being.
What do you do when you are thousands of miles away from your support system of friends and family?
I couldn’t drive to girlfriend’s house with a bottle of wine so we could hash this out, like we always did.
As I paced around the apartment, in the late evening, my teeth still un-brushed, dried tear streaks on my cheeks and still wearing my pyjamas, I wanted to talk to someone. It was early morning back in the US. I couldn’t call my friends and wake them up. But I desperately needed to talk. I needed to get some perspective.
Was it really me? Was it really my fault?
My good friends have excellent memories. Better than mine. They would pick up on something that I missed. I needed a consul with my friends.
So I find myself seeking comfort through my network of online friends. I’ve never needed this much reassurance, but being out here in Indonesia by myself amplifies every little thing. I am having a good time, but I am emotionally raw.
The internet doesn’t provide instant gratification when emails go ignored, and especially, when during Facebook chat your ex unfriends you because he no longer is in interested in what you have to say after he’s planted his poisonous doubt seed.
Did I run away? Didn’t I end it right?
Thousands of miles, countless broken promises later and under the sledge of anger, how do you close a relationship that you thought was left on good terms? He had said that he was happy for me. That proved to be a lie.
What do you do when the ones who are supposed to have your back, don’t? It cuts deeper when those you hold dear lash out against you.
I have emerged from this depression with a few lessons learnt.
- I don’t need anyone’s permission to live my life on my own terms.
- I let the negativity in and it wreaked havoc because I let it. But no more. I was putting too much pressure on myself.
- When the world seems like it’s crumbling around you, the sun still rises, the oceans still have tides. Life goes on and so will I.
- When I can’t reach my friends, I have myself and that is enough.