Dealing with Depression When Traveling.
Traveling can sometimes be a lonely path. Sometimes the sheer exuberance of ticking things off your bucket list can wane when negativity from friends and family enter.
What are you doing with your life? Aren’t you going to settle down? Why did you break up with me?
This past weekend proved to be difficult culmination of lows. An ex-boyfriend made me feel like shit. There is no other way to describe it. I had moved on with my life in leaps and bounds and he hadn’t. But somehow, his non-progress was my fault. So I was taken unwittingly into a journey into the past that did not serve me.
Was there anything I could have done differently? Could I have saved the relationship? Doubt entered.
The funny thing about doubt is that no matter how small the amount, it can be deadly, like cyanide. It corrodes your self- confidence and makes you second guess everything. You play scenarios in your head over and over and again to see if you could have made a small adjustment. Once doubt enters, its poisonous reach knows no bounds. It reaches into your psyche and steals your well- being.
What do you do when you are thousands of miles away from your support system of friends and family?
I couldn’t drive to girlfriend’s house with a bottle of wine so we could hash this out, like we always did.
As I paced around the apartment, in the late evening, my teeth still un-brushed, dried tear streaks on my cheeks and still wearing my pyjamas, I wanted to talk to someone. It was early morning back in the US. I couldn’t call my friends and wake them up. But I desperately needed to talk. I needed to get some perspective.
Was it really me? Was it really my fault?
My good friends have excellent memories. Better than mine. They would pick up on something that I missed. I needed a consul with my friends.
So I find myself seeking comfort through my network of online friends. I’ve never needed this much reassurance, but being out here in Indonesia by myself amplifies every little thing. I am having a good time, but I am emotionally raw.
The internet doesn’t provide instant gratification when emails go ignored, and especially, when during Facebook chat your ex unfriends you because he no longer is in interested in what you have to say after he’s planted his poisonous doubt seed.
Did I run away? Didn’t I end it right?
Thousands of miles, countless broken promises later and under the sledge of anger, how do you close a relationship that you thought was left on good terms? He had said that he was happy for me. That proved to be a lie.
What do you do when the ones who are supposed to have your back, don’t? It cuts deeper when those you hold dear lash out against you.
I have emerged from this depression with a few lessons learnt.
- I don’t need anyone’s permission to live my life on my own terms.
- I let the negativity in and it wreaked havoc because I let it. But no more. I was putting too much pressure on myself.
- When the world seems like it’s crumbling around you, the sun still rises, the oceans still have tides. Life goes on and so will I.
- When I can’t reach my friends, I have myself and that is enough.
Helshire Beach, Jamaica. Photo by: Imari DuSauzay
Hi, glad to hear you worked thru the depressed state. I follow your tweets becaue I like the photos plus your a Jamaican woman doing her thing. Depression can the most painful of all state of being so powerful that it will manifest in physical aches and pain. I too am working thru a depression so painfull yes it enolves a ex but also envolves caregiving of my elderly Mom its hard to watch her deteriorate someone so vibrantly beautiful inside and out. heres the other thing I learned may sound harsh but it work for me. cut all ties. no I dont want your happybirthday, Merry Christmas wishes no I dont want to know any updates and no I dont want you being friends with my family. just get gone. I know easier said than done right?
Thank you royalrain. It actually isn’t hard for me to cut ties now that I’ve worked through it. Thanks for your advice.
Yes. You have you and from a gal that knows depression too well I will tell you that you made the best choice for getting over these negative feelings. You is all you need. And sometimes, the universe puts negativity in your path to help you in reassuring yourself that you are on the right path. If you can’t be strong and fight for your happiness then the universe will take it away from you.
Great post, Diana – thanks for being honest, as I think many solo travelers shove issues under the rug or pretend all is jolly on the road, which drives me nuts.
I liked your conclusion, and I believe travel teaches us that we are all we have and to trust in ourselves more. When you’re a genuinely good person, it’s hard to accept that others are so dark, negative and hurtful and it’s hard to cut them out completely for a while, until you realize that it’s the only way and that you are in no way at fault.
So stay good as you are, it is most definitely his loss! I’m very proud of you and you are an inspiration. Thanks for the inspiring post.
Thanks Lily. I took your advice in making my blog more personal and having my voice. Writing through this low time really helped. What surprised me was the number of people who could relate. I’ve gotten so many private messages from travelers sharing their stories.
Thank you for this honest and inspiring post… great words of wisdom to remember when I find myself alone and challenged in such a deeply personal way. Thanks for your generosity.
Thanks Lovenia. We all hit lows at time. Glad process can help.
your vulnerability is beautiful and heartfelt. thank you for the words that said what needed to be said.
Thanks Rochelle. Writing really helps me work it out.
Travel can lead to emotional lows. It is not always a good time. That is truly a misconception. Thank you for sharing your feelings and offering a true side of living abroad.
Thanks Janice. You are so right, it’s not always a good time.
That’s really great to hear Diana, am glad I inspired.
The honesty here, I can see, has been cathartic for you: Give thanks for the outlet. N.B: Loneliness is a fallacy; we are universally connected. meditate in the mountains, when you can, on the Universailty within us all. Do this while visualising your free flowing chi, up and down you chakra points, let this visualisation be guided by love, peace and oneness. Do for as long as required, as many times as required: you WILL find the place that is right for you if you go into this meditation with an open mind and with Love of all in your heart. One love My Beloved Cous xxxxx
Thanks for sharing such a raw experience with your readers. I think sometimes the idea of “travel” makes us think it’s always this glamorous, fun, exciting event. But even overseas, there are bad days, personal problems and difficult bouts of depression.
Best of luck!